Strangely Dim

Sometimes I just cry when I go to church. You know. Just sitting there. Listening to the song that the gal on the stage is singing. The pastor says that certain thing that is just exactly what I needed to hear. The lights are dim. The candles are lit. The stage is set. And I cry. And I know I'm not the only one.

If you are a church-cry-er then you know what I'm talking about. Church + you = tears. I know I'm not the only one.

But why? Is the song really that beautiful? Is the message really that impacting? If it is, do you remember why you cried. Do you remember what it was about the message that stuck you right in the arm? Most of the time I don't. But there's something about church and that sacred hour that brings me (if i let it. if i'm willing.) to a soft place. A place of tears.

And I wonder sometimes what it is about church that makes me reflective... what is it about church that gets to me. It's not really a question about faith as much as it is a question about place. I'm a Christian at home, on the road, at the grocery store, at the mall and you don't find me sitting in the food court crying because I'm reflecting on what God has done in my life. (Though you may at any moment find me crying at a commercial.) So what is it? Is it a manipulation of sorts? Has the worship team and the pastor conjured up a fancy plan to get everybody sobbing? You know, even if they did, I don't think that's it.

No matter who you are, where you've been, what you've done... I believe that the church service is not the only reason that you may be moved on a Sunday morning. There is something that does happen (for me) at church that is harder to come by when I'm walking through the mall or watching another episode of 30 Rock. And that is focus.

At church I can focus.

And there are no better words to convey what I'm trying to say than those that come from this powerful line:

turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth.....

...will grow strangely dim...

...in the light of his glory and grace.

Our culture, better connected now than ever before, continuously offers us more and more endless possibilities all the time. This can be a great thing! But it can also beat us down, even when we feel we are being built up by it. The culture, our iPhones, our constant connectivity to the wonderful world wide web keeps us moving, moving, moving but perhaps moves us farther and farther away from a simpler focus on the One that keeps us grounded in spite of ourselves.

I think that's why I cry at church. Because for a brief moment in time, I have but only one focus. And it is Jesus. And the things of earth grow strangely dim.

At that moment, as I wipe my tears off on my husband's sleeve (partly to mess with him), I realize that what I'm experiencing is the perfect intersection between faith, life and rest that comes from the light of his glory and grace. And that moment's relief makes me cry because I know that is the hope that gets lost in this world...in my world.

Friend, if you feel lost, are lost, or are about to lose it - Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look FULL in his wonderful face, and the things of earth with grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace. (written by Helen H. Lemmel, 1922).

a time of expectant waiting

As you may have noticed, it's the Advent season. Advent is a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of Jesus' birth. We have countdowns until Christmas, some counting down until Santa's arrival, some in expectation of some serious gifts, some to revel in the fact that Jesus was born, and some are counting down the days until it's over, because, let's face it, the holidays can be exhausting.

As I do my own little advent celebration in my head, I can't help but think about Mary. Today, we're about 20 days away from her delivery, she would have been huge by now, waking up all throughout the night to use the bathroom, probably. I wonder what Mary (uncomfortably) laid in bed thinking about. Some expectant women lay in bed wondering at night if they're going to have an epidural or not, breastfeed or not, go back to work or not, surely these were not her concerns. Surely there was a deeper, more mysterious wonder about the baby who was in her womb. He already had a name and he already had a purpose. She was giving birth to Jesus the Christ, the Messiah, the One who would be King. Most expectant moms wonder how to parent well, how to teach their children well. I wonder if Mary wondered what it would be like knowing she would one day bow at the feet of her own child.

The original advent, the preparation of the coming King, for Mary, must have been so very different than our advent now. More than a single candle lit or scripture read. Her heart in the quiet of the night must have been full of wonder as she waited for this baby, knowing she would be ushering in the light of the world.

Advent. A time of expectant waiting. But what are we waiting for?

A time of preparation. What are we preparing for? What are we really preparing for?

I keep thinking "eventually i'll get to Advent." But if I wait too long, before I know it, Christmas will have come and gone. And while that will not change the course of history nor eternity, I am the one who loses out on the great privilege it is to not only celebrate the birth of God in human form, but to rest in the overwhelming grace that comes with knowing him as my own personal King.

Matthew 1:23

Look! The virgin will conceive a child!

She will give birth to a Son,

and they will call him Immanuel,

which means 'God is with us.'"

It is for this that we expectantly wait and prepare for - the coming of our King. Who will save us from our sins and give us peace.

A Giant Candy Corn-Shaped Hole In My Stomach

593 candy corns later, I've almost eaten my way through our 2-family-sized-bag-filled glass pumpkin. Imagine my disappointment when I found out for the first time in 6 years of knowing him, that my husband, the one with whom I intended to share the blame when the candy corns kept rapidly disappearing, did not like candy corn. WHAT?! Who doesn't like candy corn? It's like eating an apple. Or chicken. It's just one of those things that no matter what - you do. Why? Because it's just a food that is part of life. Candy corn is part of life. It's certainly a part of Halloween.

So, my glass pumpkin-shaped jar is halfway empty and there is no one else to blame but my very own sugary fingers. I'm a candy-corn-eating-machine. But, I've got to get through all of it quick before Christmas comes and I have to start all over again with candy cane hershey kisses.

And this, my friends, was a candy corn blip. Too long for a tweet and way too menial to post as a Facebook note.

glass half full.

Today I was waiting for FedEx. Has anyone ever asked you what you did that day and you said you waited for a package to arrive? Well, today was my day. I forfeited outdoor activity, trips to the mall, JoAnn Fabrics, and even a stroll around the block because I was waiting for FedEx. "In transit" said the tracking website. So, it must be close. Somewhere nearby, somewhere in my town, perhaps just a block away, were my packages in transit; getting closer to my house.

But my baby really wanted to go outside. She had been inside all day. We had exhausted every combination of the plastic eggs she plays with as well as the route from one end of our living room to the other. She had completed her task of collecting every piece of dirt off the kitchen floor with her clothes and mouth, pulled out every plastic container, and had eaten as many puffs as she could handle. The girl wanted out. So we went out. We sat on our front porch steps. It's the perfect little place for a kid. We just sat there and watched the squirrels, listened to the motorcyclists cruise by, and enjoyed the cool shade courtesy of the big surrounding trees. It's perfect. But I had this aching feeling. What if FedEx comes to the OTHER door? The back door. What if he knocks and I don't hear him and then I find that dreaded slip. Ugh. The one that says you have to come get your heavy packages because you missed the most important door knock of the day. I've gotten that slip before. It's the worst. So, we went back inside and checked the back door and were relieved to find no note.

After an hour, we found ourselves back on the front porch steps. Just sitting there, catching up with the birds. Staring at one another and then staring at our toes. All the while, the ache still remained. So, we went back inside to check the other door. Phew, no note.

Another hour passed by and guess who arrived! The FedEx guy. With all our packages. Hooray. It was great, simple, easy. He walked them to me and we brought them in the house. Done.

Best part - he had come to the front porch steps. And I was confident that with a 50/50 chance I would inevitably choose the wrong door to be at at the wrong time. All that worrying for nothing.

And as the day continued, it occurred to me - Don't we only ever fear that we're not going to be in the right place at the right time for whatever fateful, wonderful thing that could possibly occur?

And as it turns out, as it did for me today, that sometimes you are actually waiting in the right spot.

Sometimes you aren't in the right spot.

But. Sometimes you are.

Can life be summed up in a hashtag? #notsosure

If you're anything like me, you like the social media aspect of life but you wonder the effects it's having on all of us. My simplistic side says don't give in, stay focused on things non-electronic and invest in real life humans. My other side says stay up with the times! don't be a fuddy-duddy. You are connecting...it's the new norm. But I cannot help but wonder what the heck we are doing putting hash tags at the end of our thoughts, and what that does for our souls, and are we better off having all the online social activity or are we losing brain cells because of it. For certain, there is logic, practicality, and just plain old good fun involved in our online connectivity...but then it also all creates a bit of fear in me that we are slowly, but surely, disconnecting from one another. I know this thought process is nothing new. But like most everything for me, I'm always a little behind in coming into my own conclusions and tastes. My marketing classes in college helped me identify that I try new things once they've been tested and approved.

For those who don't twitter, you might not know that the hash tag is the portion of a tweet that begins with a "#" and is followed by a conceptual word or phrase that has something to do with what one just tweeted about. I, too, don't completely get it. Sometimes I don't think I get it at all.

But an example of a tweet and hash tag usage would be:

KKatulka: Olive smiled at me today while she shoved blueberries into her mouth. #beingamomrules #butcanbemessy

So once I post this deep thought my 78 followers (or 24 who may actually pay attention) know that Olive smiled at me. And that is good. Perhaps whoever reads it will think to himself, "aw, that's nice. Very good, Olive."

An article I recently read said that people need to feel connected to something larger than themselves. This feeling can be achieved from reading a book and getting enthralled by the characters. There is something good to this online community, i know. But I do still wonder its effects on our souls.

Like, have you grown so accustomed to communicating in 140 words or less and then following it up with a brief, clever quip? Maybe not. But maybe you have. Is your brain deteriorating by only reading up on the lives of other people? Is the hash tag really just something you would only say online but probably wouldn't say in person?

I think the entire online community (that I am greatly a part of) can be both good and ... I won't say bad. But perhaps, stifling. We all know by now that it's not a big deal if it's used in moderation and coupled with lots of real-life activity... But, with the ever-growing new ways of connecting online, are we going to have more and more opportunities to follow one another through machines and inexplicably-genius coding... OR are we going to have more and more opportunities to meet one another for meals, for coffee, for discussion? For private conversations that will never receive any online-attention.

I have a Facebook, Twitter, google-plus, instagram, tumblr, and blogger account.

So perhaps a question I need to periodically ask myself is:

Who is really following me?

And to where am I leading them?

So, I guess if I could sum up our online lives with one thing it would be this:

KKatulka: No matter what, give your followers something worthy of following.

And remember, the people in your life, the day-to-day people, whoever that may be, are following you, too. With their own two eyes, and it's even more important to give them something really worth following.

#youcancontrolthesocialmediainyourlife

#dontletthesocialmediacontrolyou

So I guess I'm feeling sentimental

My baby girl arrived on the scene 9 months ago tomorrow. I remember that moment, day, hour, minute, second, so vividly that I could paint a picture of it for you if I was a painter. But, I'm not. So, I won't. This piece is merely (or hugely) a tribute piece for my daughter.

People say it goes by so fast, enjoy every minute of it. And if I could take a moment to thank God for one very special, unexpected blessing of it all, it would be that I truly have a sense of treasure with each and every passing moment with her. It's an amazing connection and relationship that I could have never ever predicted. Why? Because, as it turns out, you cannot predict a whole lot about your baby. For instance, the personality of your child. I would have never guessed that my sweet baby would be so content. I could have never guessed that she would be the world's best sleeper. That when she wakes up from a nap she would pop her head up when we walk in the room and smile at us. I would have never guessed that she would be scooching herself all around my dirty floors, collecting dust and hair all over her pjs, and loving every second of it. I could have never scripted our conversations. That, by now, I would say hi and she'd say a sweet sound back. Over and over, as though we were talking to one another. I would have never believed it if you would have told me that my daughter would have blue eyes. I thank God for that very special feature.

I would have never known that she would smile when I entered the room, cry when I walked out. I would have never guessed that when she was stuck with a needle at the drs office she would cry so hard, but calm down just a few short seconds later. I would have never known that she would be the best traveler on planes, in cars, on long walks in her very safe, awesome stroller. I couldn't have guessed that, since very early on, being outside would satisfy her for hours on end.

I would have never known any of these things. My mind and heart could only comprehend that which my imagination could conjure up. I never imagined the delightful personality that she would have. I never factored in the pure, honest delight she would bring to my life. Though, I certainly hoped she would.

Sure, time is passing by. But so far, not too fast. I enjoy that every day along the way she has continued to grow, develop, laugh, cry, nap, and sleep in her own sweet little way.

Call me sentimental, but I cannot help but express my gratitude to the One who created her. Who knew every little detail of her long before I did. And to Chris for encouraging me as a mother and making it so I can stay home.

We named her Olive because we wanted her name to mean peace. And peace she has brought.

She is a gift.

Hi, I'm Anxiety. Mind if I take a seat?

Perhaps you know him. There exists an achy little creature that creeps into stomachs, into heads, into hearts and plops itself down, stretches out its arms and legs, and sends little electric waves into our bloodstream and causes us to frown. This is obviously not the technical description for what some of us experience as.... anxiety.

This hundred-armed creature sends out little shockwaves to cause you to wonder what life would be like if it were different. It makes you wonder what life would be like if this had happened or that. You start to wonder what you would do if you lost someone very important to you. Anxiety is a creepy little fellow who takes residence inside you for a time and by the grace of God, doesn't always stay forever.

I know there are outstanding remedies to this issue. First, prayer, of course. We Christians are very well familiar with the verses about casting our anxiety onto the Lord and not worrying about tomorrow because tomorrow has enough worry of its own. Great verses! But sometimes, the Dr. says that medicine works, too. And as a person who went through a period of time taking medicine, I can vouch for the fact that it works.

In my experience, and through talking to hundreds of people about it, anxiety seems to stem from fear, worry, an inward focus, or lack of support or outlets in your life. I am no doctor (i know, i know, i had you fooled), so I know that there are people, also, who are just wired this way. There are so many levels of anxiety. I only know my own and how it compares to others.

But for those of us who do fear and worry, and whose focus is mostly on ourselves (even if just how anxious we are), and keeping ourselves clear of sharing with others, there may be a few good remedies to aid in the overall enrichment of life and combat of the grouchy creature who lies within.

Again, you are reading my blog, not a doctor's blog - so please keep that in mind!

Perhaps we can all ask ourselves a couple of questions:

1) How much of my day is spent thinking, wondering, worrying about other people and the way they see me?

2) How much of my day is spent in fear of losing someone?

3) How much of my day is spent worrying about worse case scenarios?

4) How much of my day is spent sharing any of these thoughts with someone else?

5) How much of my day am I willing to consider that God is greater than me. Fighting for me. Loving me in ways incomprehensible?

And finally,

6) Have any of my fears come to fruition

7) ...and did I actually survive?

We are a lot more resilient than we think. Sometimes we just don't remember.

Writing about anxiety causes concern, because I wonder what others will think about me. But what I need to think about when posting this is that you, too, may be wondering what to do with that stinky little creature who's inside of you, too.

This morning I was reading 1 Sam 7. And, it got me thinking. Anxiety (again, not medical, just personal analysis) seems to have some major connection to fear of something happening to ME. Anxiety seems strongly attached to how things effect me. What happens if I lose someone? What happens if someone creeps into my house?

By giving into all these thoughts are we making things a little too comfortable for that anxious creature inside us? Have we given him a footrest and asked him to stay for as long as he wants by letting these negative thoughts take over? We could make anxiety far more uncomfortable by choosing to trust Someone greater. We could kick him out the door and turn back to the One who actually is already consumed with us so that we don't have to be.

1 Samuel 7:3

Then all the people of Israel turned back to the LORD. ³ So Samuel said to all the Israelites, “If you are returning to the LORD with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods and the Ashtoreths and commit yourselves to the LORD and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.” ⁴ So the Israelites put away their Baals and Ashtoreths, and served the LORD only.

Perhaps, we could try to turn back to the Lord. We could return to the Lord with all our hearts. We could consider what we are putting into our brains and bodies and replace it with something greater. something better. We could grab that anxious little creature with our strong fists and hand him to the Lord. We could share our thoughts with others. I have found that I'm usually not the only one who has ever thought some of the things I think.

Returning to the Lord does not have to be a one-and-done deal. It can be a moment-by-moment deal. "What if people hate this blog?" Return to the Lord. "What if someone thinks what I said 3 weeks ago was stupid?" Return to the Lord. "What if...." What if.... what if..................

Return to the Lord.

Rid yourselves of the foreign gods (the idols, the triggers, the fear)

Commit yourselves to the Lord

Serve him only*

Anxiety does not have mastery over you. You do not have to serve it. You do not have to commit yourself to it.

Return to the Lord. but... what if...... Return to the Lord.

*and for you anxious types, who thinks the only way to "serve God only" is to sell all your possessions and move to Africa, thus causing you fear that your 9-5 job is not good enough... chill. God loves you right where you are.